Walking in Memphis

I traveled to Memphis, Tennessee this past weekend for a conference. Here are a few random Danielleisms from my journey:

Reasons why I don't belong in "The Dirty South"

Reason #1

Upon arriving in Memphis, I learned of the true Holy Sacrament: Chick-fil-A. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me and fellow Chicago travelers: funny billboard
Southern Belle: y'all never seen Chick-fil-A?
Me: um, no.
SB: OMG! I looooove Chick-fil-A!!
me: I don't eat meat.
SB:

[cue X-Files theme song and stares from everyone around]

Additional reasons:

• I don't wear pink
• polka dots nauseate me
• I don't own a Vera Bradley bag
• I think people who live in Texas, Oklahoma, etc. and own Uggs/wear them in 70 degree weather should be sterilized
• I'd rather starve than even look at biscuits and gravy
• rhinestones are tacky. learn it. live it.
• if my parents had named/nicknamed me "Ducky" or "Muffin" I'm reasonably certain that I'd have a severe meth addiction and career as a model for a gas station men's magazine

Random weekend observations not related to geography:

• liquid eyeliner should not look like it was applied with a Marks-A-Lot
• clapping when a plane lands after a calm flight makes you look like a major dumbass
• mascots, like clowns, are creepy and weird
• "hold on, spider monkey" sounds just as stupid to people who didn't see Twilight or read the books

25 Things About Me Can Suck It, Part 2

From TIME magazine. Yes, TIME magazine is joining the movement against this ridiculous phenomenon.

25 Things I Didn't Want to Know About You

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1877187,00.html

Ode to the Unemployed Husband

Okay, so Teddy isn't technically unemployed, but he's been home all week because he doesn't start his new job until Monday. Those that know Teddy know that he doesn't really take time off from work. It can be pretty annoying.

Well, it's been a little bit like watching a monkey use tools this week because he is exhibiting as-yet unseen behavior. Here are a few observations of the unemployed-Teddy species:

• He calls me 4-5 times a day and says things like, "Well, talk to me for a minute..." Our conversations usually go something like this: [phone rings] Me: "Hello?" Teddy: "What's up?" Me: "You called me" Teddy: "Oh, yeah... [insert random story here]"
• He sleeps on the couch with the TV on until 4am
• He goes grocery shopping in the middle of the day and calls to find out if I want extra mushrooms on my pizza
• I get minute-by-minute updates of everything going on at home while I'm not there
• He cooked something on Tuesday night and used seashell pasta, yes, seashell pasta
• Ballpark estimates are no longer acceptable responses to the question, "What time will you be home?"

Needless to say, I am thrilled for Teddy AND my Sprint bill that he starts work on Monday.

Ridiculous News Item of the Day

People magazine is reporting that Michael Phelps is considering not competing in the 2012 Olympics because of the whole bong photo scandal. I'm just going to throw this out there: if I ever have children and they can win even a single gold medal in the Olympics, they can smoke as much pot as they want. There, I said it.

In related news, CNBC aired a fascinating report on Tuesday evening about a medical marijuana store in California. The store is call "Amsterdam University" and it's a veritable ganja boutique. With a valid prescription, one can browse a catalog of different varieties of MJ and even purchase marijuana-laced baked goods. The establishment also provides supervision and refreshments (presumably weed-free) for children while the parental unit(s) is/are, ahem, surveying the inventory in back.

Hoosiers Represent

This appeared on www.perezhilton.com! Valparaiso has a new claim to fame (Orville Redenbacher and the Valpo Men's Basketball team are lame, anyway).

Crazy family alert!

Annmarie Bricker, a 23-year-old from Valparaiso, Indiana, might not be getting invitations to weddings anytime soon. Especially not after beating up a bride on her wedding day.

Oh, and wait, the bride was her own sister!

Bricker wasn't invited to the wedding in the first place. Geez, wonder why????

Despite the lack of invite, she decided to show up to the reception anyway because she "just wanted to talk" to her sis and parents about family problems.

Nice timing!

According to witnesses, when she arrived at the party on January 23rd, she headed to the front porch and began attacking her sister, even pulling out clumps of her hair, police said. She also struck her sister's head and knocked her to the ground.

Bricker was finally arrested on a misdemeanor charge of battery.

The smartass told cops she just went to talk and never even touched her sister. However, five witnesses have come forth contradicting her.

Bricker has subsequently resigned from her job… as a 911 dispatcher for Porter County!

[Photo via Porter County Sheriff's Department.]

[View original post at www.perezhilton.com]

"25 Things About Me" can suck it

I can't think of 4 things I would list about myself, let alone 25. Internet stalking enthusiasts, gather 'round - your Facebook universe doesn't want to read about your experience in ballet class when you were 12. Oh no. When we click on your note, we really want to read something along the lines of, "I've gained 23 lbs. since college" or, "I'm dating a mechanic I met at Jiffy Lube" - get the idea? "People say I have really pretty eyes..." does not a captivating post make.

Furthermore, if you find yourself on #7 and all you can come up with is, "I really like peanut butter" - go ahead and stop right there (unless of course, #8 is, "Which is why I've gained 23 lbs. since college").

Think I'm alone in my annoyance? Check this out:

(P.S. Rex W. Huppke, if you're out there, you're my hero)

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-25-random-things,0,2814809.story

P is for Procrastination

I've been loosely following the drama surrounding the now infamous photo of Michael Phelps smoking pot. My favorite part of the media coverage has been the use of words/phrases such as "water pipe" or "device used for smoking marijuana" - as if "taking a bong hit" would somehow be lost in translation.

The daily Jessica Simpson weight report needs to end. Immediately. This is not news. Dear Media, Jessica Simpson is not fat. Dear Jessica Simpson, A little extra junk in the trunk + high waisted pants and/or leather = people calling you fat.

I saw a preview of Katie Couric's Grammy Special. She will be interviewing Lil Wayne and Katy Perry among others. The preview showed a clip of Katie C. asking Katy P. about kissing girls and liking it...wait, what was that part about not understanding the crappy ratings for CBS Evening News?