Twilight hysteria + WalMart = Hilariously bad story

I am not embarrassed to admit that I enjoyed the Twilight books. Okay, that's a lie, I $#%&@!^ loved the Twilight books. There, I said it. The movie was *cough* DUMB *cough* but it was based on the books and involved staring at Robert Pattinson for 2 hours so it got a free pass. I loosely paid attention to the promotion leading up to the DVD release (DVD release parties, really?) and my curiosity was piqued. An equally cynical friend and I decided to venture to our local WalMart (what could be more embarrassing than actually going to a Twilight DVD release party, you ask? Going to a Twilight DVD release party at a FUCKING WALMART).

We were not disappointed.

When we arrived at the store I was feeling a bit let down - I was hoping for some serious Star Trek-style freaks lurking around waiting for the Electronics personnel to bring out the trough of DVDs. At first, I thought the whole thing was a huge bust. Until we rounded the corner.

HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE, ALL AGES, WAITING IN LINE. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, this really happened, I saw it. My friend and I burst out into inappropriate amounts of laughter and ducked into an aisle to compose ourselves. "Decode" by Paramore was blasting through the TVs and a countdown was being chanted by the crowd. It was amazing.

Some random highlights:

• Woman in the 30-45 demographic carrying a canvas Twilight bag and wearing sweatpants
• "Team Edward" t-shirts
• An overweight couple purchasing the following items: Twilight DVD, cereal, milk
• WalMart personnel enforcing the one-DVD-per-family limit (seriously? YES)

Thought: I'm not really sure why anyone would waste their time with the movie had they not read the books - maybe, but not likely. If this is the case, I am astonished at the number of WalMart shoppers that evidently know how to read. Hmmm...

Seriously, some people just ask for it

The same woman spotted reading the Twilight series over and over again for weeks has finally gotten over tweenager vampire love stories and moved on to... The Four Love Languages! Ha! For those of you that enjoy the delicious garbage that is The Real Housewives of Orange County, you had the pleasure of listening to crazy Vicki go on and on about the four love languages in a marriage and how her husband no longer fills up her "love tank" blah blah blah. Well, apparently this book does exist and people actually read it. Specifically, women in their forties with creepy Edward Cullen obsessions.

Walking in Memphis

I traveled to Memphis, Tennessee this past weekend for a conference. Here are a few random Danielleisms from my journey:

Reasons why I don't belong in "The Dirty South"

Reason #1

Upon arriving in Memphis, I learned of the true Holy Sacrament: Chick-fil-A. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me and fellow Chicago travelers: funny billboard
Southern Belle: y'all never seen Chick-fil-A?
Me: um, no.
SB: OMG! I looooove Chick-fil-A!!
me: I don't eat meat.
SB:

[cue X-Files theme song and stares from everyone around]

Additional reasons:

• I don't wear pink
• polka dots nauseate me
• I don't own a Vera Bradley bag
• I think people who live in Texas, Oklahoma, etc. and own Uggs/wear them in 70 degree weather should be sterilized
• I'd rather starve than even look at biscuits and gravy
• rhinestones are tacky. learn it. live it.
• if my parents had named/nicknamed me "Ducky" or "Muffin" I'm reasonably certain that I'd have a severe meth addiction and career as a model for a gas station men's magazine

Random weekend observations not related to geography:

• liquid eyeliner should not look like it was applied with a Marks-A-Lot
• clapping when a plane lands after a calm flight makes you look like a major dumbass
• mascots, like clowns, are creepy and weird
• "hold on, spider monkey" sounds just as stupid to people who didn't see Twilight or read the books

25 Things About Me Can Suck It, Part 2

From TIME magazine. Yes, TIME magazine is joining the movement against this ridiculous phenomenon.

25 Things I Didn't Want to Know About You

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1877187,00.html

Ode to the Unemployed Husband

Okay, so Teddy isn't technically unemployed, but he's been home all week because he doesn't start his new job until Monday. Those that know Teddy know that he doesn't really take time off from work. It can be pretty annoying.

Well, it's been a little bit like watching a monkey use tools this week because he is exhibiting as-yet unseen behavior. Here are a few observations of the unemployed-Teddy species:

• He calls me 4-5 times a day and says things like, "Well, talk to me for a minute..." Our conversations usually go something like this: [phone rings] Me: "Hello?" Teddy: "What's up?" Me: "You called me" Teddy: "Oh, yeah... [insert random story here]"
• He sleeps on the couch with the TV on until 4am
• He goes grocery shopping in the middle of the day and calls to find out if I want extra mushrooms on my pizza
• I get minute-by-minute updates of everything going on at home while I'm not there
• He cooked something on Tuesday night and used seashell pasta, yes, seashell pasta
• Ballpark estimates are no longer acceptable responses to the question, "What time will you be home?"

Needless to say, I am thrilled for Teddy AND my Sprint bill that he starts work on Monday.

Ridiculous News Item of the Day

People magazine is reporting that Michael Phelps is considering not competing in the 2012 Olympics because of the whole bong photo scandal. I'm just going to throw this out there: if I ever have children and they can win even a single gold medal in the Olympics, they can smoke as much pot as they want. There, I said it.

In related news, CNBC aired a fascinating report on Tuesday evening about a medical marijuana store in California. The store is call "Amsterdam University" and it's a veritable ganja boutique. With a valid prescription, one can browse a catalog of different varieties of MJ and even purchase marijuana-laced baked goods. The establishment also provides supervision and refreshments (presumably weed-free) for children while the parental unit(s) is/are, ahem, surveying the inventory in back.

Hoosiers Represent

This appeared on www.perezhilton.com! Valparaiso has a new claim to fame (Orville Redenbacher and the Valpo Men's Basketball team are lame, anyway).

Crazy family alert!

Annmarie Bricker, a 23-year-old from Valparaiso, Indiana, might not be getting invitations to weddings anytime soon. Especially not after beating up a bride on her wedding day.

Oh, and wait, the bride was her own sister!

Bricker wasn't invited to the wedding in the first place. Geez, wonder why????

Despite the lack of invite, she decided to show up to the reception anyway because she "just wanted to talk" to her sis and parents about family problems.

Nice timing!

According to witnesses, when she arrived at the party on January 23rd, she headed to the front porch and began attacking her sister, even pulling out clumps of her hair, police said. She also struck her sister's head and knocked her to the ground.

Bricker was finally arrested on a misdemeanor charge of battery.

The smartass told cops she just went to talk and never even touched her sister. However, five witnesses have come forth contradicting her.

Bricker has subsequently resigned from her job… as a 911 dispatcher for Porter County!

[Photo via Porter County Sheriff's Department.]

[View original post at www.perezhilton.com]